So, life is not easy. Things have been pretty difficult and confusing lately. I am not quite sure what to make of everything that I have figured out, found out, and been told.
I feel like I am going into somewhat of a self-analysis state, and that is not necessarily a bad thing, but I am not sure if I should even be doing this. As far as I am concerned there is nothing seriously wrong with me. If someone has a problem with how I am, that is not exactly something I should worry about. Although when it is in a relationship, the logical thing to do is to work through it, and try to make things better. That is what I need to do, but I am not sure how to go about that. I have never been one to take initiative, that is just not how I am, now that doesn't , mean I can't learn to be like that, but if that is not how I am naturally should I change that aspect of myself? On the other hand, if I don't even worry about it, and I completely overlook the situation, how considerate is that? I think I am a fairly considerate person, and I definitely care about others and their feelings. I just feel like I am being judged and scored on how I am handling this information. I know that it is not supposed to seem that way, but that is just the way I am feeling about it. I do plan to see what I can do about the situation, but I can't make any promises and I can't be sure that I can fix anything.
I also think that it just takes time to heal from disagreements/issues/etc and that is just something that can't be changed. If things are a little bit awkward for a few days, then ok, that doesn't mean everything is completely over and ruined, that just means that the transition and healing process is occurring. I am fully aware of the fact that I am a very stubborn and hard-headed person and that could definitely be part of the problem here. When someone tells me something about myself that needs improvement or changing, it takes me time to get over it... I am so completely stuck in my ways that it is hard to get me to budge at times.
I also have the most intense fear of being wrong, or messing up. I am sure that is why I take criticism so painfully. Because if someone is telling me something that is wrong or not working, it makes me feel like I am failing and messing up, which I guess technically I am, and it is just hard for me to come to terms with that and face the fact that I am wrong. The natural thing to do when you feel as if you are being attacked is the get defensive and that is what happens when someone tells me I did something wrong or need to improve. This obviously doesn't help if I start to feel very attacked because then I get the wrong attitude about the situation, and nothing can be accomplished in that way.
So I guess it is a good thing that I am going over all of this and talking it out to myself in this blog, I am therapizing myself through blogging, which seems to be working fairly well. I think that my intense fear of messing up or being wrong is also a part of my initiating problem....If I am scared to mess something up, how can I ever confidently initiate something unless I am 100000000% ok with it and completely sure that the other person will react positively to it. I know that is why I have so much trouble initiating things and suggesting things..... I hate messing up. Even though I understand the fact that I cannot be perfect, I still worry about doing anything wrong, I am so ridiculously cautious in everything I do in my life. I over think every decision, worry about everything, and even after the decision has been made I re-analyze it to see if I have made a mistake or not. I am sure this is not healthy in any way......but what can I do about it?
Another thing I know about myself and my personality is that when there is someone that is more outgoing and overpowering, I tend to naturally back down. I have no desire to try to be the center of attention if there is already someone there that fills that roll. So when I am with a naturally outgoing person, I get in my semi passive state and just go with the flow unless it is something I really don't want to do or agree with. Now this doesn't mean that I never state my opinions and wishes, but it does take me a little longer to get it out there when the other person is more overpowering and take control-ish. I guess this goes into the whole anti-confrontation part of my personality. I will do most anything to avoid a confrontation unless it is necessary, so obviously I will just go along with things unless I have a serious problem with it.
Well. I guess that is all... I just want things to be okay. I will resort to my most reliable and reassuring promise that I have, God and prayer. It always works and I'm sure I won't be let down. I will just pray about the situation, and see what happens, and until something happens, I plan to just be myself and try to be more aware of the whole initiating/giving/planning part of this relationship. Journaling and blogging sure don't hurt either.
"I wonder who I've got to be
For You to wanna use me
I do not always have just the right words to say
But You've taught me simple things
That I'd love the chance to bring
To a world of people who just simply need You"
-Stacie Orrico (She always makes me feel better)
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